A Breaking Point At Last...

Well...

I finally hit a really random breaking point the other day...It was weird because I never would have expected to feel this way about something that has been the same my whole life...The other day I went to the kitchen to get something to eat and when I opened the freezer, I noticed something random at the bottom...This particular spot is where my parents like to hide their ice cream, so I don't look their often, but I have snuck some occasionally...When I went to look closer there was a note around the entire box of ice cream and it was addressed only to myself...It said "Cassie, Stay out of this ice cream, we buy this so your mother and I can look forward to a treat occasionally, Jeff..."

It was really weird that I had the reaction I had...In this moment though, many things came tumbling into my mind...Normally with this behavior (my step father leaves me notes everywhere instead of having the maturity to talk to me) I would just be irritated and being the smart ass, rule breaker that I am would have taken an ice cream...Instead of irritation though I felt sadness, and I actually started to cry...I thought...If this was his daughter, would their even be a note, or is this behavior specially reserved for me and my brother...I used to be a hand full, and I am fully aware of that, but have become a much more mature adult, and have learned to bite my tongue more than I should ever have to with that man...I even sit and take offensive, and sometimes hurtful remarks and just let them slide away...As I stood there, tears rolling down my face, my hand still on the freezer door handle, I just broke...

I have never had a father figure in my life the way a girl should...There was Rick, my little brother's dad...When I was younger I used to call him "Dad," and to this day I still wonder if he noticed the first time that I called him Rick again...He was never there for me, and when my Mom and him split, it was like I disappeared...I wasn't his so I didn't matter...My brother was his only kid...And for a long time I just filed that away in the "To be dealt with later" file...

Then...I met my Dad, Mike... I was so nervous and excited...I was eleven, and he wasn't ever around when I was younger... I started to visit every summer and winter...I loved him so much because I finally thought I had the father figure I deserved... He believed in God and was on fire for him like I was...He always told me I was beautiful...He showed me Portland culture...Later though, when I came to live with him because my Mom didn't know what to do with me as a depressed, rebelious, deeply wounded teenager...I soon discovered he was a much beter "weekend father," The ones that spoil you because they don't have to deal with you all the time...I was ignored for online poker and ruin scape, or whatever other computer fad he had discovered...Again my heart was broken....

And now...Back at home with my step father...Someone that I have had in my life for at least ten years...Seems to refuse to try and love me...Chooses to find and stay angry about my flaws instead of trying to compliment the good traits about me...I know I am just the easy target, that truly he is just upset because his daughter isn't treating him the way she should, and uses him freely...I would give anything to have a father that loved me and wanted to be a part of my life as much as he wants to be a part of my step sisters, and she just throws it away...I will never be his daughter...He will never love me...never hug me...never call me just to see how I am doing...I know I have a loving mother to do all those things, but three men later and all I really wanted is just to have a DAD, a man in life who would have fought for my honor, protected me from the wicked, and told me I deserved better than any man that could exist on this planet...

It is funny though...I didn't make it easy to love me at first...Infact he still isn't good enough for my mom...but I think I would have been the same with any man...BUT...Maybe if he tried to love me first instead of punish and rule over me...I could have had a different outcome....

I don't blame them...I just wish sometimes that I knew what it was like to have a father...